Britain’s New Transport System

Are you sick to death of your daily commute? Does your Ford Mondeo feel like an air conditioned coffin? Does your train carriage seem like a journey to hell for smartphone-equipped human sardines? Don’t give up; an end to commuter hell is at hand.

From Monday Britain’s long-suffering commuter class can switch to an Innovative New Transport System, which I have designed in my shed.

The Commuter Flinging Machine is based on a medieval trebuchet. Customers sign a simple insurance declaration, don a helmet, relax into the comfortable bucket seat (which is actually a bucket) and prepare for a high-speed, carbon neutral, congestion-busting ride.

Our team of competent technicians then plot your route using science and guesswork and prepare the machine (by winding back a big elastic band and pointing you roughly in the right direction). When everything is ready you give the thumbs-up and off you go.

All transport systems carry some level of risk and the fling is no different. The sky is full of hazards including tall buildings, electricity cables, helicopters, barrage balloons, birds and golf balls. Passengers who find themselves hurtling towards airborne obstacles are encouraged to close their eyes.

We will provide a landing mattress, but as each fling is an individual journey with no pilot, passengers take responsibility for landing safely on the mattress themselves.

Each fling will propel an average-sized passenger up to 20 miles. Longer journeys can be completed by relay. Thus a trip from Glasgow to Eastbourne will require approximately 200 flings with an accumulated chance of death of nearly 5,789%.