Recession (from the archive)

At the first sign of global recession I resigned from my job. Unemployment has its advantages. For example, you can stay in bed.

 

But my strategy to hibernate through the credit crunch and emerge to the dawning of economic recovery failed. I kept waking up. If only I could be more squirrel-like. 

 

Undeterred I pressed on.  For three days I lay in bed feigning deep sleep. I persevered through boredom, hunger and an achingly full bladder, but was eventually forced to abandon my plan when my wife set fire to the bed sheets. 

 

I am now resolved myself to finding a new job but I’ve yet to find one with agreeable terms. They all seem to require you to turn up somewhere and do something. That’s not for me.

 

My dream job would involve wandering about aimlessly and going for coffee with interesting people. The nearest I’ve found is a ticket inspector on the trains. Strictly it doesn’t involve going for coffee, but they may let me bring a flask. I think I’d be good at it, and I’ve rehearsed my lines for the interview: ‘Tickets pleeeese. Any more for Chatham? I love your boots madam, would you like to join me for a coffee? You can drink out of the lid.’