I'm setting up a rival 2012 Olympics.
The Ordinary People's Olympics will not feature agonisingly fit young people showing off in lycra running outfits. There will be no jumping over things, or swimmming quickly, or hop-skipping-and-jumping into freshly raked sandpits.
My Olympics will have mass-appeal and will not make you feel inferior for being unfit, unhealthy, old, fat, lazy and/or diseased.
Headline events will include 'shouting at people', 'all-you-can-eat endurance', 'distance vomiting' and 'riding a bicycle into a wall'. I am confident that Britain will be able to field a strong team, win most of the medals and restore our lost sense of national pride.
True to the Olympic spirit, my games will champion international harmony. Athletes from Israel and Syria will be tied together and participate in pairs, and competitors from France and Germany will be combined into one superteam, which will be called 'Germany'.
Soon-to-be-ex-Prime-Minister Gordon 'Charisma' Brown will open the event by setting fire to his own hair and toppling off the podium into a pit full of curry sauce.
Footnote
For consideration as an official sponsor stuff a padded envelop full of cash and greasy food and send it to "Ashmash's People's Olympiad".
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