Motivated Staff (from the archive)

All offices have a guillotine.  Ours is a genuine 19th century killing device and it isn’t used for trimming paper.  

Every Tuesday at 3.30 pm the entire workforce sits in fearful silence as the tannoy crackles to life and the woman from HR announces the name of the latest victim of the Staff Pruning Project.  He or she is dragged into the Training Room, stripped of their company badge and beheaded.  The lifeless carcass is slung from the window into a pit full of giant carnivorous frogs.  

It’s a very effective motivational tool.  Productivity is up 4,000% since the contraption was wheeled onto the premises just one month ago.  A few people tried to escape (the useless wretches).  They were soon rounded up and neatly despatched.  Since then the doors have been barred and those who remain have been chained to our benches.  I think it’s fair. 

Some of us have got a sweepstake going.  The odds are geting better by the week.  I won nearly fifty pounds when I accurately predicted that Alan was for the chop.  He'd been hiding in a cupboard for fifteen years.   

Shhhh listen... can you hear the tannoy?