Last night I celebrated six weeks of sobriety by necking five pints of lager and half a bottle of cheap red wine.
I
don’t remember much of what happened after that. However I do recall
vomiting into my own shoes (quite a trick as I was wearing them at the
time) and treating myself to some gifts from the internet.
I
started out by ordering everything off the Amazon recommendations page.
Suddenly that seemingly random list of junk seemed to provide the
answer to all my consumerist desires.
I’m
looking forward to receiving my humane rodent killing device and three
litres of ‘magic denture glue’ that even works in space. I just hope my
house gets infested by vermin and my teeth fall out before they arrive.
My drunken spending spree continued with a
trawl through the spam filter and several orders with pharmaceutical
companies promising to improve my love life. Suffice it to say that Mrs
Ashmash will be delighted when I power up my lovegun and make love like a
pro with the aid of 450 inexpensive Viagra tablets. Should I take them
all at once?
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