What Animals Think (from the archive)

Have you ever wondered what your pet dog, pony or hamster is actually thinking?  Well now you can thanks to my latest amazing invention, The Animal Thought Probe.
 

Obviously the science is pretty complex, but basically it involves shoving a probe into the animal's head and reading out its thoughts on a laptop.

I get better results when the animals are put in a mildly stressful environment, that's why I do my experiments in an abattoir. I had to slaughter nearly 500 pandas just to calibrate the machine. But their sacrifice is more than worth it. I have already gained many revealing insights. For example, cats think we’re stupid, dogs are stupid and frogs think in German.

Occasionally nature throws up uniquely gifted specimens, such as the stoat who was composing an opera and the pigeon pondering how long God's beak is. Perhaps these remarkable creatures represent evolutionary progression; fortuitous abberations destined to liberate their species. 

I sort of regret killing them now. Oh well, that's science for you.