Monday, 24 March 2014

Eternal Youth (from the archive)

For a truly long lasting youth forget essential oils, workouts at the gym and cutting out fatty foods.  Embrace your inner child, dress like an idiot and live off Haribo and gin.  You will not live long, but what a life it will be. 

The subtext is (as if it isn’t obvious): I don’t want to get old.  I don’t want to admit I look out of place in trendy bars (even though the music is terrible and they are full of wankers).  If I ever reach the stage where someone looks at me sympathetically and offers their seat I shall leap through the train window onto the tracks in a final glorious gesture of defiance. 

In truth, mine is not a totally hedonistic lifestyle.  I do like to look after myself.  For a start, I only eat foods with lots of preservatives in them.  If they can keep spam fresh in the tin, imagine what they will do for your insides. 

Secondly I have been injecting myself with tortoise blood daily for three months.  Tortoises live almost for ever.  If I am part-tortoise surely I will live longer too.  There are risks - I could grow a shell.  But I think the potential benefits are worth it and Harry (the tortoise) seems not to mind too much.  If it works I’ll tell your grandchildren in a trendy bar.  If not, I’ll meet you on a railway track.

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