For a truly long lasting youth forget essential oils,
workouts at the gym and cutting out fatty foods. Embrace your inner
child, dress like an idiot and live off Haribo and gin. You will not
live long, but what a life it will be.
The
subtext is (as if it isn’t obvious): I don’t want to get old. I don’t
want to admit I look out of place in trendy bars (even though the music
is terrible and they are full of wankers). If I ever reach the stage
where someone looks at me sympathetically and offers their seat I shall
leap through the train window onto the tracks in a final glorious
gesture of defiance.
In truth, mine is not a
totally hedonistic lifestyle. I do like to look after myself. For a
start, I only eat foods with lots of preservatives in them. If they can
keep spam fresh in the tin, imagine what they will do for your insides.
Secondly I have been injecting myself with
tortoise blood daily for three months. Tortoises live almost for
ever. If I am part-tortoise surely I will live longer too. There are
risks - I could grow a shell. But I think the potential benefits
are worth it and Harry (the tortoise) seems not to mind too much. If it works I’ll tell your grandchildren in a trendy bar. If not, I’ll meet you on a railway track.
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