Star Signs (from the archive)

Some people believe everything they read, the naïve fools.  In my experience the only things you can trust are credit card bills and the Daily Mail horoscope.  I live by mine.
  
I am a typical Sagittarian: idealistic and adventurous but fickle and unreliable - a bit like Robin Hood, but without the green tights.  Famous Sagittarians include the song-and-dance double-act Friedrick Engels and Catherine of Aragon, Nostradamus (inventor of the nasal decongestant), and the former American President Sammy Davis Junior.  

Today’s Daily Mail prediction is a mixed bag.  It starts off well: I will win fifty pounds on the Premium Bonds and flirt with a 22 year old Latvian beauty in Starbucks.  But things take a turn for the worse later; at approximately five pm I will fall off a corrugated tin roof and break my arm whilst trying to retrieve a tennis ball.  I don’t know if it will be the left or the right arm – horoscopes tend to not be that specific.

I have already phoned the hospital to notify them of my impending need for surgical intervention.  With one twelfth of the world’s population breaking their arms at exactly the same time there is likely to be a queue.